Ohp, Sorry: Why We Say Sorry So Much

Ohp, sorry – were you reading this? Sorry, I was busy writing it. People around the globe have numerous negative perceptions of Americans. Too fat, too rich, too imperialistic, too obsessed with padded, helmet-clad footballers. One thing the world – and especially rude Europeans – will admit is that Americans are polite. We’ve retained some element of please and thank you ma’am, opening the door for ladies, tipping your waitress server, and apologizing in advance via email for any little thing that may or may not occur which may possibly offend you or one of your loved ones in any conceivable way*.

*This paragraph is the opinion of its writer, and not necessarily that of said writer’s employer, city of employment, state of residence, degree-granting university, Facebook friends, fantasy football league commissioner, favorite watering hole bar tender, or any other living member of societies past, present, or future.

The strangest way this politeness manifests is in the overuse of the word “sorry”. Tune yourself into this phenomenon, and you’ll be amazed how frequently and for what such inoffensive and unobtrusive interactions people will audibly apologize.

Take the simple act of people walking, from point A to point B. Point A could be “hallway outside bathroom” and point B could be “in bathroom”. If someone opens the door from point A and another person happens to be coming through the very same door from point B, one or both of those people will say “sorry” and step far to the side, signaling their great shame for having interrupted the other’s run for the border.

Or let’s say point A is the lobby outside an elevator, and more than one person is trying to get to point B: inside the elevator. When those doors slide open, whichever person takes a step forward first will undoubtedly say “sorry” to the other, hesitate, and then create that awkward decision moment where nobody moves and everyone already in the elevator immediately hates both people for being unnecessarily polite. (The elevator is filled with Europeans, clearly.)

Sometimes “sorry” comes out in even less appropriate times, like when someone is about to deliver any measure of clarification, criticism, or request. This often happens in business settings, where it is absolutely necessary and not burdensome whatsoever to clarify, criticize, or request things. The beauty of this “sorry” is that it happens before the person actually says or does anything at all. Apologizing in advance, like in emails! They step forward or use a hand motion to alert you of their sudden mortification: “Sorry, I was just thinking…” or “Sorry, ummm, could you just send that to me in an email so I don’t forget…” Yes, we will do that for you, but only because you displayed such public regret.

“Sorry” doesn’t always emerge alone, though. In fact, many times it’s preceded by a strange grunt – something between an “oops” and an “um” – when someone is surprised and apologetic. It comes out sort of like an “ohp”. Imagine Ted, hurrying down the parking garage stairs less than fully alert, thanks to a recent text from his wife (“hurry home, da buns are n da oven LOL!!!”). He makes the turn and BAM, Janelle is right there heading back up the stairs because she left her laptop on and in the dock with Hugh Jackman’s GQ photo slideshow up.
Ted: “Ohp! Sorry.”
Janelle: “No, sorry. Left my travel mug, heh-heh.”
Ted: “Sorry.”

So, sorry for bringing this to your attention. It may slightly bother – no, sorry – annoy the crap out of you from now on. We don’t say it because we’re actually regretful or remorseful. We’re just so intensely afraid of having any potentially awkward moment of minor confrontation with people going about their everyday business.

I say: let’s embrace it! Next time you’re using the break room microwave and there’s 4:23 left and someone comes in with a Stouffer’s dinner-for-one and that ravenous look in their eyes, don’t say sorry. Don’t even say something like “Ohp, just a few more minutes.” Just stand and stare directly at them with a half-smile until they flinch, then say “Oh, did you need to use the microwave?” And when they say, “Uh, yeah, but I can wait,” just say back to them, “Yeah. You will wait because there’s now 3:08 left, and that’s the way microwaves work.”

That way, the next time they come storming into the break room with a dish of leftover chili and a half-sleeve of saltines, they’ll see you, stop, say “Ohp, sorry,” and they’ll just walk away. No confrontation, apology accepted.