It's summer, baby

Sometime long, long ago, like this past winter, I took an eight week writing course at the University of Utah. The class was engaging, informative, and intellectually stimulating. I sat with a dozen people week after week as we explored, critiqued, and created meaning through words. My appreciation for writing and a desire to develop the skill had never been higher. Predictably, I immediately stopped writing.

Sort of. I started writing about sports bars in Salt Lake City, which is like writing about beach life in Nebraska. Also, I realized I only like going to two or three sports bars (all of them in Michigan) and I only like to do that when there are good public-viewing sports on, like football or, uh, football. So the spring and summer have been unproductive.

Also my wife’s pregnant. Not the best time to make weekly treks for “inspiration” or “research” or “beer”.

Speaking of pregnant, Annie’s pregnant! We have these little Doppler-radar images showing some small creature inside her belly. Apparently that’s my son. The proud Gingrich name lives on, hurrah! “We” are over 5 months along. The book The Expectant Father tells me to take more ownership and share this pregnancy, but let’s be honest: she is over 5 months along. I am over 5 months behind on supportiveness.

Part of our parenting process has been to relax, mentally prepare, and take on one thousand new home projects, including selling our home. So we’re making it more livable than it’s ever been so we can leave it. Makes perfect sense. Also, we’re refinishing an old crib - the same one Zoey and Preston used - so we have one less thing to buy for the baby. This fun project involves wearing a cool outfit of bright orange rubber gloves, goggles, and the grubbiest painter’s jeans, so you know it’s awesome. You “paint” a thick orange solution over the wooden pieces of the crib and then you take a long break for it to dry (my favorite part). Then you scrape the dried orange substance off along with the old finish. And then you look down and notice your pants and feet have tiny holes burned through them, but the wood is nice and dry and smooth so you can stain it some other woody color.

Feel free to stop by Annie’s Facebook page and tell her how excited you are for her – she’s been playing it cool, but we (really, we) are super stoked. Also, if you know anyone that needs a groovy town-home in a family-friendly complex with a pool, we’re for sale.

What up

So TheStepDude.com is on hold. I have nary the time for this little blog/journal/column as it is, much less one with much deeper contrivances. I'm giving myself 10- no, 12 sentences to summarize the past month.

1. Our family vacation to greater San Diego with my parents was filled with memorable moments like swimming, sailing, Sea World, a wife's 30-ish birthday, boardwalking, pizza, bad college hoops, an uncle and aunt, 2 cousins, one traumatic kid injury, 3 nights of hacking coughs keeping me awake, fantastic downtown Del Mar restaurants, adjoining rooms with said parents (which we survived...and had fun!), Coronado Island, and a recommended Double Tree in Del Mar.

2. Zoey has recently transformed into a mega-diva thanks to an upcoming dance recital, the recital's costume, the recital's makeup, glitter and hair requirements, the rehearsals, the theme park locale of recital #1, and her natural self confidence.

3. A new fun thing we do is put this hair net, required by Zoey's dance troupe for the uncomfortably tight bun-style hairdo, on Disco Kitty's head while singing, "sloppy joe, slop-sloppy joe".

4. A certain someone who pursues athletic endeavors to combat aging has played two (co-ed lower-tier rec league) softball games, producing several hits and catches and throws and very few trick hamstring developments.

5. A certain Preston in my house has played three soccer games, resulting in many shouts to "run!" and "kick it" and "no really, run!" whilst congratulating him on his new coordinating accessories gear, which includes fancy shin guards and new cleats, which he'll grow out of by Thursday.

6. A certain wife of mine deftly stayed out of my way while I attempted to install the new, "easy self installation" bathroom flooring we purchased from the Home (Cash) Depot-sitory in order to avoid me taking out all my defeatist frustration on her.

7. The floor looks amateurish and less than perfectly square, but constitutes a huge improvement over the state of the floor immediately prior featuring remnant paper backing from the ripped out linoleum.

8. Was that "Home (Cash) Depot-sitory" line a reach?

9. I purchased the MLB subscription from Comcast for $199, justifying, "$25 per sports bar visit to catch out of market game times anything over 8 visits over a 162 game season equals 'it pays for itself!'"

10. If the Tigers don't have a successful season to redeem my dreadful home-team sports year, then I will be forced to pretend I love hockey.

11. Every time I saw the words "Double Tree" at the hotel, I immediately though of

12. I want to full-fist punch that bathroom right in the throat.

Shenanigans!

The cereal bracket final pitted the winner of the sugar bracket, Frosted Flakes, against the winner of the healthy bracket, Cheerios/Honey Nut Cheerios. My first question is, "what-what-what?!" How does the selection committee combine Cheerios and its Honey Nut sibling as one entrant? That's akin to saying Coke Zero (my new favorite soda) and Cherry Coke are the same beverage. I call shenanigans!

The winner of the bracket, of course, was Frosted Flakes, right? After all, they're grrrrrrunbelievably sugary delights. WRONG. It was the Big G's own tiny life preservers, Cheerios/Honey Nut. This is baloney, unless thousands of voters were daycare center snack managers. Even with the clear unfair advantage the Os have with 2 distinct products, there is no way participants on an ESPN radio show-hosted bracket (dudes who still eat cereal for breakfast when they come upstairs from their mom's basement) would choose them over Tony the Tiger's candy-masked-as-cereal crack flakes.

This can only be explained by one thing: General Mills, a Minnesota based company, funded the whole operation in order to crush Kellogg's, a Michigan based company, to further soften the state's economy. You see, Minnesota is running a guerrilla campaign to overtake Michigan as the "Most Popular Upper-Midwest 'M' State Filled with Lakes". They've even proposed a Grand Rapids-off, pitting the two towns against each other in a seven round winner-take-all prestige match. Grand Rapids, MI's upper hand: Once the "home office" of David Letterman's Top Ten List. Grand Rapids, MN's key claim: Slightly less cold than Pluto. The loser has to change their name to "Schmand Schmapids", so that's a consolation you can live with. Go GRMI!

Last night, I took a 3rd stab at fixing my ineffective dryer and did what I should've done the 1st time - take the back off and unscrew some stuff. (DUH!) Previous attempts involved: Inspecting, re-aligning, and cleaning the duct work; and reaching really really way far down into the lint trap housing with a vacuum hose. But with some idiot-proof instructions from Yahoo! Answers, I realized the entire problem was the blower wheel majiggy, and once I got the cover off (with TheWife's assistance) we found a dense mash of our former rug squatting in the wheel house. Pulled that out, sucked up other debris around the vents, and we were back in business! And to think, I was going to call another handyman...

Speaking of, we're only about 50% done on our bathroom, thanks to all the new fun things we have to do! Who knew that one failed water valve could lead to so many interesting and charming choices: What type of tub do we want? Do we want to tile or surround? What are you going to do with that gap in your floor (what gap?)? New linoleum or tile so your floor doesn't look so lame? What kind of toilet do you want since we (handy persons) accidentally smashed the base with a sledge hammer? What color are you repainting the walls? How did you get your nose hair completely white? Answer: I was using meditative breathing while chopping through drywall and tile. Was quite easy, actually. That white color gives it sort of a distinguished look.

Appetite for Destruction

Time for another installment of "My 30th Year: What Have I Done?"

After mulling over the options for what to do with our dysfunctional shower, I came to the conclusion that I could do only one thing, and that I would do that one thing...alone. Destroy it. Destroy it all. So I did. Sort of. Don't you. Hate it. When. Advertisers. Use. One or. Two. Word Sentences. With. Periods. For. Emphasis.

Yep. Where there used to be 3 walls and a floor of tile encased with glass sliding doors, we now feature gaping studs with disintegrating insulation and exposed plumbing. Great success! (see pic above) I'm now officially done with what my own hands can achieve. You know what's fun? Dropping a 5 ft. section of drywall, with ceramic tile attached, off the upstairs balcony onto the concrete patio below.

I was in Chicago last week on a photo shoot for work, and should have been blogging. Unfortunately, I spent most of my free time digesting dough and chocolate. I consumed more cookies and brownies in three days than any man ever should, especially if that man wants to indulge in the skinny jeans craze. Don't worry, I don't.

Home projects make me feel like a child

It happened yesterday, and it happens every time I call a plumber, electrician, tile guy, or even the stupid utility companies. I never know enough about the topic. I haven't examined, measured, or researched enough. I am uncomfortable with a lot of the terminology. I start to rationalize potential decisions out loud, to myself, while the guy on the other end is just waiting for me to say 'yes' or 'no'.

These situations identify one of my biggest insecurities: I hate feeling dumb. By the end of the call (tile guy), my body temperature was up, my pulse was up, and my confidence was in underground parking. Immediately, I was browsing homedepot.com and other supply sites, reading installation guides with titles like, "How To Frame for a Bathtub" and "Installing a Drain" - I don't want to know any of those things! And which handy service person is going to do each of them?

Our master bathroom shower has been out of commission (3 months now? 4?) since we got the plumbing fixed because I can't get around to figuring out exactly what we should do with the walls, nor who should do it. And this is something I really want to get done. I'm tired of trudging into my bathroom to get a towel, then trudging to the kids' bathroom to shower. My closet is already in the hallway - add on this injustice and it's like I'm living in a dorm. If this was just a "someday" project, like, "I'd someday like to install a sauna with a heat resistant flat screen TV", imagine how long that would take! (Not in this house, honey, don't worry).

So I've had a day to think about it, and I still don't know what to do. I just want it fixed, and I want someone else to make the decision, and I want it to cost very little...a perfectly rational and realistic stance on home improvement, right?

Christmas2Christmas Review

Many writers, bloggers, and entertainment news shows do a Year In Review, which I'm essentially doing now. But since I really need to start at last Christmas to get the big story in, I'm doing a year in review from NOW. This is no 2008 calendar review. And so I present my first annual Christmas2Christmas Review!

I'm calling it the Christmas2Christmas Review because I really wanted to use a title incorporating a number which acts as a word. See, the "2" acts as "to" and connects last Christmas to this Christmas in a really neat way. Additionally it gives me a little visual trick - I can use the 2 with no spaces around it. If I tried it with the word, it would look like ChristmastoChristmas, and then people would ask me if I'm celebrating the new Greek holiday "Christmasto" (kris-MAS-toh) and that would be uncomfortable. My other title ideas were "52 Week Pickup", which is a takeoff on an hilarious card game my parents used to trick us with when we were kids; "My 30th Year: What Have I Done?", which has a more reflective quality and a cute double meaning; and my last choice was "Read My Last 33 Posts", which is just rude.

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU MY HEART...
Let's start there. It's been one year since I proposed (SBBEYAS nominee), and in that time you could say...I've been busy. I maintained the engagement, got married, and now have two wonderful children, 9 and 7. It took some real parenting to raise rapidly aging kids in just one year, but we did fine and they seem to have a well adjusted life. After the new year, we're shopping for colleges!

Weddings were a theme of the past year, and they helped me rack up the frequent flier miles: Matt Murray's wedding in Northampton, MA in March; Josh Pepper's wedding in June back home in G.R., which ended with a lost wallet (SBBEYAS nominee); my cousin Beth Ann's wedding in G.R. a few weeks later over the 4th of July weekend, which gave Annie and me our only cottage trip of the year; and finally, our wedding in Chicago. Of the 4 weddings, mine was the best because I got to go on the Honeymoon.

We visited Chicago multiple times this year, including an early wedding planning session in January where we tried to get some amateur engagement photos. Problem was, it was -93 degrees (with the windchill) that weekend and smiling for pictures meant your face would freeze that way. But we picked our reception site and surveyed a couple other locations. We also hit Chicago in May, in August for our wedding, and at the end of October for a mini-vacation with Annie, after I finished nearly 3 straight weeks of travel for work, which included a stop in Chicago.

I turned 30 this year (5 months and 5 days after my wife did). In related stories, my company went bankrupt and emerged, and our house started falling apart. Seriously, as I'm writing this, I'm waiting for the plumber to come to fix our 2nd faulty shower of the year. The past two nights I spent time Gorilla Gluing pieces of our stone tile countertop back together, which involved moving the dishwasher out - not something I do every day. Last week I spider-bombed our basement, and in order to safely fill your basement with toxic fog blasters, you have to turn off things called "pilots". Apparently, both our water heater and furnace have them. Luckily I read that instruction before I did the fog thingy, so our house didn't explode. I have to admit though, that whole process caused me incredible anxiety. First, I had to deal with the fear that I would improperly stop/start the gas pilot functions. They put very strong wording on those labels that say "IF YOU SMELL ANY GAS WHATSOEVER IMMEDIATELY LEAVE THE PREMISES AND DO NOT LIGHT A MATCH LIKE YOU DO WHEN YOU SMELL GAS IN YOUR BATHROOM". Secondly, my brain envisioned legions of spiders sensing their impending doom and scrambling from all corners and cracks in the basement to jump on my head and neck as I ran upstairs to let the killer fog do its work. Blessedly, I saw not a single arachnid and haven't since. In summary, turning 30 for me meant a lot more housework, and our house is certainly obliging. My body actually feels fine, and I'm in decent shape after spending more time in the gym the past 2 months than I had in the past year. That's not a cry for help, right? "Hey, after 29 years without a single shred of desire to lift heavy metal bars, I think I'll start lifting heavy metal bars and grunting more!"

ARE YOU GOING TO TALK ABOUT SPORTS?
Well, duh. The best moment was clearly Lloyd Carr's final game with Michigan. A high scoring battle with Florida, a bowl win, lots of winged helmets in the air - a great way to start 2008! Little did we know it would be the only positive Michigan football story of the entire year, and maybe the next few. I made my first attempt at a Super Bowl ad review on my blog in February, revealing the fact that since I never have a team to care about in the Super Bowl, I'm now in that group of people that finds the commercials more interesting than the game. The Pistons won a whole bunch of games again, and ran out of gas in the playoffs again. They seem to be poised to repeat the feat this season, even with the addition of Allen "Practice?" Iverson, who is the reason Detroit traded my favorite dude of this era, Chauncey Billups. I'm further ticked because I have a t-shirt with Chauncey's name/# on it, and I don't want to have to buy new team gear for those days when I really, really need to show how much I love my home teams by wearing shirts. What if we showed our loyalty to, say, hair care products in the same way? "Dude, nice Suave shirt. You jumping off the Dep bandwagon?"

Let's see, what else? The Tigers added a bunch of dudes you've sort of heard of, then did much, much worse. I'm pretty sure the Wings won the Stanley "Stan" Cup but I maybe watched 2 periods of hockey all year, and they were the last 2 periods of the Cup-clinching game. Some fan! If you're in Michigan, the cold and prevalence of ponds just sort of makes you watch more hockey. Here in Utah, hockey takes a major backseat to skiing, the Jazz, and producing children. And back around to Michigan Football which, as we all know, lost to their 3 major rivals (Utah, Toledo, Northwestern) during their worst season EVER. But hey, the basketball team is back, baby! We owe West Virginia half a thank you.

STIZL, WE REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT WORDS AND PHRASES YOU WISH WOULD DIE, SINCE NO OTHER PEOPLE THINK TO WRITE ABOUT THAT
Actually, a surprising few columns were available on this subject. Lake Superior Sate University apparently has this topic locked up. Really? We can't do better than that? Harvard, Yale, and Davenport were too busy to put one of these together? [Note: When I researched this, LSSU had their 2008 word list - today, it shows the 2007 version...not sure why. Check back maybe.] Anyway, a few phrases have been bugging the crap out of me, so now I will talk about them, proliferating their existence on the interweb for eternity:

1. "We overcame a lot of adversity" Alternate misuse: "We've had lots of adversity" (generally in sports): Athletes and media love to talk about the momentous hurdles facing teams and individuals in sport, like "the opponent also likes to win" and "sometimes you get owies". I heard a QB from a football-factory powerhouse, who was 11-1 at the time, talk about the "great adversities" they "overcame" to "get to where they were at". Aside from the poor grammar, what great adversity did you face? Losing one game? Injury? Those things affect every single team/individual in all sports in all corners of the earth for all time. Those things are normal, not unusually challenging or contrary or even unlucky!

2. "From Wall Street to Main Street" (politics/media): Uh, yeah - let's go ahead and group all companies, all people, all communities into two convenient groups (which happen to make a clever, poetic phrase). On one hand, "Wall Street" - an actual place, but the idea of which has become completely un-relatable and, frankly, disreputable to most Americans; and on the other hand, "Main Street" - a quaint reference to small town, middle-American communities which is myopic if not condescending. Thanks for this one, Economy!

And the best one of the bunch from LSSU's 2008 list:
3. "It is what it is": This vague phrase is often used when someone totally under qualified is asked to comment on a very specific issue. I'd explain it further but it's just, well, it is...

STIZL'S BLOG BLOG ENTRY OF THE YEAR AS AWARDED BY STIZL
Thanks to all those who commented on their favorite posts, lines, or topics this year. I received over 3 suggestions for the SBBEYAS, a new record! Several posts discussed pants, and those seemed popular. But the runaway winner, and the reason to start this review at Christmas, is...

Ring A Ling.

(wild applause, awwwws from the ladies, groans from the guys...)

WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?
Don't invite Sue to a surprise party.

Also, you absolutely do NOT have to enter microwave times in :05 increments! I don't know why this unwritten law seems to control our actions, but it does. And you don't even have to use only :15 or :30 multiples either. What, like if your oatmeal is set for 1:30 it will be perfect, but 1:26 it's lukewarm soup, and at 1:48 it's burning oat-paste? And think about this: Every time you enter, say, ":30" on the microwave, you waste a ton of energy by moving your finger from the 3 at the top to the 0 at the bottom. Next time, just try hitting ":33". If you're not big into saving fractions of seconds on finger motions, then just do random #s that are near enough to your target time - :47 to reheat your coffee, maybe. It's fun - trust me, you'll feel like you're doing something naughty. And we all know, in today's depressing economy, we need to find elements of fun in the little things, like microwaving or putting on seatbelts (SBBEYAS nominee).

Speaking of the depressing economy, hope you had a Merry Christmas!